Devyani – Week 13 – Tainted Memories
You'd think that I'd be the best person to explain my memories. After all, who other than me can fully access the depths of my mind and bring forth my recollections? Yet it feels as though even I see my memories through a filter.
My short term feels overflowed with images of myself stooped over my desk, toiling over annotations; or spread out on the floor with my computer and notes, pouring over chemistry calculations and Lewis dot structures; or pacing my room, wearing down the floorboards as I mutter the lines of yet another presentation to myself. So many lunches have been spent in the library scouring books in last-minute revision instead of being out in the sun because whatifIdon’trememberthis.
Don’t get me wrong–there have been just as many moments of joy, too. Of whispered inside jokes and sarcastic comments just within my earshot. Of being paralyzed and struck with silent, uncontrollable laughter, tears streaming down my face.
But when I look back on these memories, that same happiness feels conditional. When I’m asked about my weekend, I cannot for the life of me put words to that feeling of joy. I cannot remember what exactly it was that made me laugh or smile, only that it did. The memories feel foreign and inaccessible, like the videos I see on social media of people running in expansive flower fields with backdrops of vibrant sunsets–something surreal and separate from me, even though I can clearly pick up on those feelings of liberty.
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| Memories carry a dream-like quality that never seem to reflect what really happened (Image credit: iStock). |
My struggle is that I rely on happy memories during times of despondency in order to pull me through. They become my light at the end of the tunnel, a promise after a long week of studying. But as the tunnel becomes endless and I become surrounded by darkness, the light behind me–marking where I came from–is snuffed out. I am left disoriented, with no light behind or ahead, as only memories of endless academic discipline press down on me. I miss those moments of joy more than I can remember them.
This is partially due to state-dependent memory recollection, in which a memory is viewed through the lens of the emotion a person is feeling in the present. So, if one is, say, “locked in,” they are more likely to remember memories that pertain to the same situation of being "on the grind." The brain is hard-wired to do this–to focus on similar past experiences in the hopes that it will somehow be of use. But rather than survival, it only serves as a mental cage.
I suppose it is a reminder for me to live in the present and to stop chasing happy moments as if they are reserved only for a future time. Yes, perhaps joy cannot be fully appreciated without those moments of difficulty, but that doesn’t mean they’re mutually exclusive. We are the unreliable narrators of our own life stories, and that means that sometimes we need to consciously look beyond the darkness of the present and find those small flashes of light to guide the way forward.
Hi Devyani! I really resonate with your blog this week; I understand the feeling of feeling trapped and somber, even on the weekends where I feel like I’m supposed to rest. I think that this feeling comes to me especially on the Weekly Surveys (if that was what you were alluding to in your blog)—when I’m asked what made me smile, it often feels like there was nothing that truly brought up the emotion of happiness, rather little things that just sparked my smile randomly.
ReplyDeleteIt was interesting to learn about state-dependent memory recollection—I never knew that it is actually a thing. It definitely seems to make sense for me now that I think about it. Sometimes, when I hang out with a group of friends, I look back on it thinking that it was really fun, especially when the hangout is just over and I am in a good mood. Other times, when I’m not feeling great, I look back and feel like the hangout was extremely insignificant, or when I feel unproductive, I might even feel guilty for having spent time with my friends.
One tactic that I use to feel less demotivated and despondent is awarding myself a little treat after I complete my goal. I admit, this might be a little unhealthy, and my self-discipline for this isn’t great. But it gives me something to look forward to, whether it’s biking across the street to get some boba, playing some video games, or just laying down on my bed (this is the one that motivates me the most usually). Thanks for sharing!
Hi Devyani, I love the word choice in your blog; it’s so eloquent! I definitely agree that as I sit in Portable 6, I often can only think about the endless hours I’ve put into annotations late at night, or the extra credit essay that I finished in two hours. At the same time, I remember the joy of being able to work together with my groupmates and stress about a group essay, or distributing work during our group poster projects. Similarly, I can never explain why my weekend was good; maybe it was the food I ate, or the countless hours of sleep I got, or maybe it’s just simple relief from being able to escape the stress of school for two days. I think happiness being exclusively in the moment makes it more precious than a feeling that can be recalled over and over again, because scarcity makes things valued, just like in the economy. I remember a quote from Andrew Tate that I saw while doom scrolling where he said that life isn’t about aiming for happiness because happiness is never guaranteed, but on the other hand aiming for your goals is something that can be accomplished.
ReplyDeleteHi Devyani! I can definitely relate to the act of merely remembering the outcome, not what exactly led to it. I feel that this mainly happens because the emotions that result–happiness and joy in your case–are much stronger than any actions or spoken words that cause them. This could explain why I remember the anger or resentment long after some petty fight but never what made me feel so negatively.
ReplyDeleteMoving on, I love how profoundly reflective your tone is. I hold indefinite admiration for your voice and style, just like Elina noted your tone to be “eloquent.” I absolutely adore the brief flickers of your personal life–with “toiling over annotations,” “pouring over chemistry calculation,” or “whispered inside jokes”–throughout the blog. I think it adds depth in the sense that I know the person you’re talking about. Overall, this was quite an enjoyable read.